no one reads this

But I guess if you do, you will know.
My father passed away yesterday.
I haven't really told anybody except for 2 of my closest friends, my family, and one of my other friends found out through her grandfather who is the fire chief in our city.
My mom, sister, and friend Ainsley are in Chicago right now and we found out yesterday.
We are trying to deal and just go on normally because that is all we really can do at this point.
I really wanted to wait until we got home from Chicago tomorrow to say anything, but I needed an outlet.
If you are reading this, please don't spread it around because I would like to try to dispel any rumors that have or will start, which I know they inevitably will.
We wanted to leave yesterday, but we couldn't.
My mom cannot fly because she gets anxiety attacks on planes,
so we had to take a train, but the first one we could get departs tonight.
I will be home tomorrow and I have to find a way to tell certain people that I really wanted to tell before anyone, but it was impossible at the time.
I know that there was a reason for it happening.
Earlier this year, my friend Caleb said something that has stuck with me and it is really helping me now.
He said that God has a reason for everything, and even if we don't know what that reason is, it wasn't to hurt us. God is a loving god and he would never do anything to intentionally hurt anyone.
I know that God had a reason for taking my father away from me, and all I can do now is figure out what it is.
I feel at ease right now with everything because I know that everything will ultimately be okay.

emily is neato spageeto!

Chicago in 3 days. 
I really cannot wait.
Like no one knows what goes on here and how it can make me feel like this is not my home.
I just can't deal with it.
Chicago is going to be my release.
I will be able to be in a place where I can invision myself make a fresh start,
and it makes me wonder how I will be able to do that and when I will be able to.

it just started raining really friggin hard out of nowhere.
dang.

I just realized that there's a senior at my school who greatly resembles William Beckett.
Weird to say the least.

it has been and extended period of time since i have shared anything...

so...
saints won yesterday!
happy sarah happy!

eh...
the bears lost tonight,
to the vikings :(
i dislike them...the vikings-not the bears (i love them).

but if the bears had one, saints would have been in 2nd place to get the wildcard for the playoffs...just behind the giants (eli!).
well...the saints MUST win their next two games to get the wildcard.
sunday(dec 23): philly eagles. HOMEEE!!!
december 30: chicago bears. CHICAGOOOO!!!
dang. like i know we are going to win, but the weather in chicago is supposed to be harsh...i'm going to be there!

hopefully the vikings and the giants will lose their next games so we can get the wildcard....even though i love eli.
infsdgvjkbnxfkjlndfklb

You're not mine, you're not mine

All I want to do is be on a train to Chicago.
I cannot wait to be back there.
So much better than here.
Here is never as good as there.
I don't even care that its 30something degrees there.
I just want to go sit by the lake and breathe.
I miss it so much.

whywhywhy

californiaaaaa californiaaaaa here we come

new band.
i wonder why this was kept so secret?
like a cery covert operation taking place.
i, for one, do not like it.
the secret label move, that it.
but the new band on the label i am happy for.
being a walking contradiction, ftw!

is taking nyquill with a diet coke an oxymoron?

hellraiser

I have come to the conclusion that girls are just nasty and conniving.
I have come to this determination by looking deep inside myself.
I definitely do not claim to be perfect,
despite what some my say.

sirens

I got two of my really good friends arrested.
I feel terrible.
I can't sleep.
I can't stop crying.
I don't know what to do with myself.
But I don't understand why they did it.
They said it was a joke, but a gun threat?
I don't understand how one of them could look me straight in the eye after I told him what was happening and said "the person who did that is a psycho," and then have the nerve to ask me to take him with me when I left.
I also don't understand how people can just make light of it now.
Sure it was a prank.
And sure it didn't happen and no one was shot, but what if it really did happen?
What if someone these people were closest to was shot and killed?
Would they be joking about it?
Why can't people think things through completely instead of being so immature?
I don't get how they cannot grasp the fact that life is so fragile and could be gone in a second.

craziness

YESTERDAY:
My friends Amy and Colin and I were walking to our classes from the gym and we were running late because we had stayed in the gym after chapel to talk to one of our friends and to break down the sound equipment.
We were about to walk up the stairs, but we noticed this piece of paper that was all burnt up, so we picked it up.
The handwriting was really hard to read, but we finally figured it out.
It said something like "If you think the last school shootings were bad, wait until what's coming next. You mothers f***ers have it coming. 12/3 12/4"
It was the scariest thing I had ever read.
I started shaking and my heart started racing.
We decided to bring it to our disiplinarian, Coach Robert, and when he read it all expression left his face and he went pale.
He told us to go to class, so we did.
Once Colin and I got to our math class we had a sub, so we just got to sit around and chill.
We were talking about it and our friend Rhett overheard us and he got really worried.
He could tell that I was still really shooken up over it and he was scared.
We asked our sub if we could go down to Coach Robert and he said yes.
So Colin, Rhett, and I went down to the office to suggest that they do bag checks and just to talk to Coach Robert about it.
When we got in there he shut the door to talk to us.
I started crying because I was so scared and he told us not to tell anyone because he didn't want to cause any unnecessary panic and that he had it under control.

TODAY:
Amy and I got to school at the same time because we needed to finish a project that we had to present first hour.
Our parents talked and Amy's dad told my mom that he was picking Amy up after first hour and my mom said she was going to pick me up as well because she didn't like the idea of school not being cancelled even though there was an viable shooting.
We were in the middle of our presentation when our principal came over the speaker and announced that everyone needed to go stand by there desks, empty out there bags on their desks, put their bags on the chairs of the desks and girls put their purses on the top of our desks.
It was so scary for me because nothing like this has ever happened at my school.
I started to have a panic attack, which is not good when I get them because I am slowly getting over an anxiety disorder.
Once they came in and checked our bags we were told not to leave when the bell rang because we were on lock-down.
When we were finally let out of the classrooms we were told to go straight to our next classes and not stop at our lockers because we weren't going to be doing any work.
In my second hour, we had a sub because our teacher was in a meeting.
I got called downstairs and they told me to bring my stuff so I knew that I was leaving.
When I got downstairs, my mom was talking to our headmaster Dr. Shorter and he told me that he was very proud of me and that it was a very courageous thing that I did turning the note in.
When I walked to the car, I saw my friend Courtney in the parking lot and she was leaving too.
When I got home I just wanted to go to sleep because I have never been so emotionally drained before.

Craziness.