no one reads this

But I guess if you do, you will know.
My father passed away yesterday.
I haven't really told anybody except for 2 of my closest friends, my family, and one of my other friends found out through her grandfather who is the fire chief in our city.
My mom, sister, and friend Ainsley are in Chicago right now and we found out yesterday.
We are trying to deal and just go on normally because that is all we really can do at this point.
I really wanted to wait until we got home from Chicago tomorrow to say anything, but I needed an outlet.
If you are reading this, please don't spread it around because I would like to try to dispel any rumors that have or will start, which I know they inevitably will.
We wanted to leave yesterday, but we couldn't.
My mom cannot fly because she gets anxiety attacks on planes,
so we had to take a train, but the first one we could get departs tonight.
I will be home tomorrow and I have to find a way to tell certain people that I really wanted to tell before anyone, but it was impossible at the time.
I know that there was a reason for it happening.
Earlier this year, my friend Caleb said something that has stuck with me and it is really helping me now.
He said that God has a reason for everything, and even if we don't know what that reason is, it wasn't to hurt us. God is a loving god and he would never do anything to intentionally hurt anyone.
I know that God had a reason for taking my father away from me, and all I can do now is figure out what it is.
I feel at ease right now with everything because I know that everything will ultimately be okay.

emily is neato spageeto!

Chicago in 3 days. 
I really cannot wait.
Like no one knows what goes on here and how it can make me feel like this is not my home.
I just can't deal with it.
Chicago is going to be my release.
I will be able to be in a place where I can invision myself make a fresh start,
and it makes me wonder how I will be able to do that and when I will be able to.

it just started raining really friggin hard out of nowhere.
dang.

I just realized that there's a senior at my school who greatly resembles William Beckett.
Weird to say the least.

it has been and extended period of time since i have shared anything...

so...
saints won yesterday!
happy sarah happy!

eh...
the bears lost tonight,
to the vikings :(
i dislike them...the vikings-not the bears (i love them).

but if the bears had one, saints would have been in 2nd place to get the wildcard for the playoffs...just behind the giants (eli!).
well...the saints MUST win their next two games to get the wildcard.
sunday(dec 23): philly eagles. HOMEEE!!!
december 30: chicago bears. CHICAGOOOO!!!
dang. like i know we are going to win, but the weather in chicago is supposed to be harsh...i'm going to be there!

hopefully the vikings and the giants will lose their next games so we can get the wildcard....even though i love eli.
infsdgvjkbnxfkjlndfklb

You're not mine, you're not mine

All I want to do is be on a train to Chicago.
I cannot wait to be back there.
So much better than here.
Here is never as good as there.
I don't even care that its 30something degrees there.
I just want to go sit by the lake and breathe.
I miss it so much.

whywhywhy

californiaaaaa californiaaaaa here we come

new band.
i wonder why this was kept so secret?
like a cery covert operation taking place.
i, for one, do not like it.
the secret label move, that it.
but the new band on the label i am happy for.
being a walking contradiction, ftw!

is taking nyquill with a diet coke an oxymoron?

hellraiser

I have come to the conclusion that girls are just nasty and conniving.
I have come to this determination by looking deep inside myself.
I definitely do not claim to be perfect,
despite what some my say.

sirens

I got two of my really good friends arrested.
I feel terrible.
I can't sleep.
I can't stop crying.
I don't know what to do with myself.
But I don't understand why they did it.
They said it was a joke, but a gun threat?
I don't understand how one of them could look me straight in the eye after I told him what was happening and said "the person who did that is a psycho," and then have the nerve to ask me to take him with me when I left.
I also don't understand how people can just make light of it now.
Sure it was a prank.
And sure it didn't happen and no one was shot, but what if it really did happen?
What if someone these people were closest to was shot and killed?
Would they be joking about it?
Why can't people think things through completely instead of being so immature?
I don't get how they cannot grasp the fact that life is so fragile and could be gone in a second.

craziness

YESTERDAY:
My friends Amy and Colin and I were walking to our classes from the gym and we were running late because we had stayed in the gym after chapel to talk to one of our friends and to break down the sound equipment.
We were about to walk up the stairs, but we noticed this piece of paper that was all burnt up, so we picked it up.
The handwriting was really hard to read, but we finally figured it out.
It said something like "If you think the last school shootings were bad, wait until what's coming next. You mothers f***ers have it coming. 12/3 12/4"
It was the scariest thing I had ever read.
I started shaking and my heart started racing.
We decided to bring it to our disiplinarian, Coach Robert, and when he read it all expression left his face and he went pale.
He told us to go to class, so we did.
Once Colin and I got to our math class we had a sub, so we just got to sit around and chill.
We were talking about it and our friend Rhett overheard us and he got really worried.
He could tell that I was still really shooken up over it and he was scared.
We asked our sub if we could go down to Coach Robert and he said yes.
So Colin, Rhett, and I went down to the office to suggest that they do bag checks and just to talk to Coach Robert about it.
When we got in there he shut the door to talk to us.
I started crying because I was so scared and he told us not to tell anyone because he didn't want to cause any unnecessary panic and that he had it under control.

TODAY:
Amy and I got to school at the same time because we needed to finish a project that we had to present first hour.
Our parents talked and Amy's dad told my mom that he was picking Amy up after first hour and my mom said she was going to pick me up as well because she didn't like the idea of school not being cancelled even though there was an viable shooting.
We were in the middle of our presentation when our principal came over the speaker and announced that everyone needed to go stand by there desks, empty out there bags on their desks, put their bags on the chairs of the desks and girls put their purses on the top of our desks.
It was so scary for me because nothing like this has ever happened at my school.
I started to have a panic attack, which is not good when I get them because I am slowly getting over an anxiety disorder.
Once they came in and checked our bags we were told not to leave when the bell rang because we were on lock-down.
When we were finally let out of the classrooms we were told to go straight to our next classes and not stop at our lockers because we weren't going to be doing any work.
In my second hour, we had a sub because our teacher was in a meeting.
I got called downstairs and they told me to bring my stuff so I knew that I was leaving.
When I got downstairs, my mom was talking to our headmaster Dr. Shorter and he told me that he was very proud of me and that it was a very courageous thing that I did turning the note in.
When I walked to the car, I saw my friend Courtney in the parking lot and she was leaving too.
When I got home I just wanted to go to sleep because I have never been so emotionally drained before.

Craziness.

oh you so full of self-pride.
if you only knew who you really were.
if you only knew who can see through you.
you would act a little differently.

oh you so full of envy.
if you only knew the full story.
if you only knew who can't stand you.
you would think much differently.

oh you who has so many lessons to be learned.
if you only knew that the world is your oyster,
but if you only knew that the oyster must be shared.
you would be so humbled.

oh you must come down off your cloud.
oh you must drop your high.
oh you must stop and think.

what have you become?

life: october 4th-november 1st

the academy is...: october 4th


boys like girls: october 12th
coming soon...

new found glory: october 13th


fall out boy: october 28th
patrick

pete


powerspace: november 1st

i feel jipped...

i just do.

and i'm scared.
i don't get truly scared too often,
but i am this time.
its a situation that can have an affect on other people-not just me.
it was only in good fun, to be honest.
but i am probably just worrying myself.

other than my worries right now,
life has been pretty good to me.
there hasn't been too much to complain about.
i am happy to be alive.
its a good day.

not so diva anymore?

"say a prayer,
but let the good times roll
incase god doesn't show." -pete wentz

"im scared.
but only of god and a witness stand.
im not sure how much longer i want to do this if it doesnt mean anything." -pete wentz

what is this?
what is going on?
i interpreted the first one so easily because it is what i do so many times;
i pray to god, i believe, but then i just go back to doing whatever shite i was doing because what if god isn't there in the end?
and i don't really do that,
but so many people in our culture do.
its crazy.

the second one blows my mind.
i wrote him a letter asking to get inside his head,
and i think i just did.
i don't know if he read the letter or not (i will give him the benefit of the doubt),
but i think by some supernatural force,
i saw his thoughts if only for a second.
and they are not what i expected at all.

i'm not a fan girl.
or maybe i am.
all i know is that those two phrases that he has said completely warped my thoughts of him.

amen.

the family table.

its a lie.
most of nick@night is lies.
the reruns aren't real shows anymore.
so why believe the cheesy commericals either?

i feel horrible.
mentally and physically.
i just found out that i might have to get surgery.
doesn't sound too intriguing, does it?

i also feel like shite because i have lied.
i didn't technically lie to anyone, but to myself.
i have really disappointed myself and i have the worst guilt over it.
i just wish i could take what i did back.
and it wasn't necessarily bad if you look at it from a wordly view.
its not unacceptable or anything.
i just went back on a personal moral decision and it is making me feel like crap.

let's just say it was a learning experience,
and call it even.

"so make the best of this test and don't ask why.
its not a question, but a lesson learned in time."

i think those particular lyrics can make any situation seem okay.
thank you god.

sick. now literally.

i feel so sick to my stomach right now.
like its not even funny.
ahh!
this is horrible.

sickk.

remix of "Queen & I" by Gym Class Heroes.
so good. really.

i just found out that i'm getting a canon for christmas.
super stoked.

i'm going to too many concerts soon.
-cartel on the 12th.
-playradioplay!/meg&dia on the 18th.
-jonas brothers (yes, lame i know. but i want to be in HOB as much as possible) on the 30th.
-the secret handshake/amber pacific on the 2nd.
-boys like girls/good charlotte on the 4th.

blg/gc is exactly a year since the first time i saw fall out boy live.
so amazing.
i miss those days.

current obsessions:

garden of evil - 1997
jersey - mayday parade
here i stand - madina lake
fall back into my life - amber pacific
toasted skin - the academy is...
been caught stealin' - jane's addiction
four kicks - kings of leon
shake it - metro station
save - the rocket summer
the church channel - say anything
back in your head - tegan & sara
my beautiful rescue - this providence

some old songs.
some new songs.
some never get old.
could listen to for hours on end right now.

oh, lovefool by the cardigns won't stop repeating in my head.

my birthday week(december 30-january 6): chicago.

here are my plans:
Union Station (duh. have to get from the train somehow)
Saints vs. Bears - Soldier Field
W Hotel Lakeshore
Pick Me Up Cafe
the beach (its going to be so cold, but i don't care. there are jackets for a reason)
Michigan Ave.
Navy Pier
Shedd Aquarium
Millennium Park
Sears Tower
Clandestine store
The Alley
The A&R
Wrigley Field
museums!

have any other suggestions?

i really don't have much to say.

writing on here fufills me.
it gives me hope that maybe someone is reading it and cares what comes out of my mind.
i honestly don't think that anyone around here does.
lately, i have been consumed by people freaking out about my fall out boy encounter.
whether it be negative or positive, i think my (rather non-existant) ego enjoys it.

person: "did you really go to a haunted house with fall out boy?!"
me: "yeah."
person: "was pete wentz there??!?!!"
me: "mhmm. they all were except patrick because he was sick."
person: option one:"oh my god! you are soooooo lucky!!!"
option two:"pete wentz is such a diva. i hate fall out boy."

ok, honestly who cares what you think?
love 'em, hate 'em, its not going to change how i feel about them.
if you want to give you opinion to me, make sure its positive.

i have no idea why i am writing on here about this.
i guess its because it is late and i have nothing better to do.
i wish....
so many things.

the gap effect.

amazing jump > broken ankle

yes, pete.
it sure is.
if you didn't know,
now you do.
but if you live anywhere but under a rock,
you should know.
or else radio-active man will attack you while you sleep.

vanity not fair

its these days that make me appreciate that my head is finally screwed on straight.
well, for the most part.
some of the bolts need to be tightened.
the man who was my idol no longer exists to me.
he is gone.
replaced by a cog.
the life i once thought was real is now a fantasy.
real life is starting to kick in.
so is the caffine crash.
dang.

savior of the moms of america.
savior of the boy scouts.
savior of the board of directors.
savior of lost girls that everyone forgot about.
save me.
you can never lie if you never swore.
but you broke your promise to sell your soul.
save me.
savior of the step brothers and half sisters.
savior of the dads that wasted away in biterness.
save me.
savior of the rich kids and poor olivers.
save me.
savior of this mind.

the east and west face.

hot and cold.
black and white.
dark and light.
red, white, and blue.
i cannot fathom the interchanges within our minds.
i want this. he wants that.
i say this. she says that.
who knows the truth?

i grasp procrastination with my finger tips.
i hold on to it for dear life.
hoping it will bring the good ol' days.
i almost don't want to go forward,
but i certainly don't want to go back.
never regret anything. ever.

never say never.
oh, what a hypocrite i am.
say good. see good.
if only it was as easy as walking through the doors i have so many times.

the last place you'd look.

stupid people

stupid plans.
take the good with the bad.
don't you say there's no good.
that's all lies.
sorry to say self.

last night.

I saw one of my favorite bands,
and I saw some of the worst bands ever.
I met the most amazing guy.
He deserves so much more than he has.
Don't jump to conclusions on what I'm talking about, either.
If only he was a bit younger.
As weird as that sounds,
I am infatuated with him.
Oh well, I will most likely never see him again.
I also met some of the biggest douche bags.
Nothing like I expected.
I guess it was still cool to meet them.

dear boy.

i know how you feel.
i have to chills up and down my spine.
can't get my body warm to save your life.
stuck a knife in the socket out of curiosity.
why did i get what you deserved?
i wear love everyone on my wrist,
but i can't seem to stop loathing you.
preach what you lie all you want,
but you are getting nowhere.
step it up and for godsakes preach with conviction.

thanks panic!

"Be clearly aware of the stars and infinity on high then life seems almost enchanted after all." -Vincent van Gogh

I want a tattoo.
INFINITY ON HIGH
I loved it before Fall Out Boy made it the name of their album.
When Vincent wrote it to Theo it was meant for me.
I really would love it, but everyone would tell me that I am so weird and obsessed with Fall Out Boy.
As true as that may be, that is not why I want it.
Should I care what everyone else thinks?
eh.

we have landed.

lately the fire has been melting the ice queen in my heart.
i feel renewed and if it is only for a little while, at least it got its 15 minutes of fame.
my whole life i have been the little kid who cried wolf,
so why haven't i been caught?
i should be dinner tonight,
but instead i'm having my halo polished.
got its scratches buffed out.
but i'm really starting to figure that when the truth counts my addition is probably going to be off,
or my calculator is going to be out of batteries.
i have it coming either way.

for serious.

Thriller

"welcome, its here"

35 days until october 28.
35 days until voodoo fest(sunday).
35 days until city park.
35 days until fall out boy.
35 days until i get to see my favorite band in the whole entire world.

i am about to cry.
hahha.
i'm so lame.
but i love them more than anything, almost.

their music is something that makes me feel alive.
more than almost anything else; shy of jumping into a pool of ice water.

oh wow.
p.s. i really really dislike liars. more than anything else. anything

the seasons are changing.
ah the cool weather is amazing.
it cleanses my mind.
lets me think a little clearer.

i've been really restless lately.
can't stay in one place for too long.
everything bores me.
lets go to the city!

i've been staying up way to late.
and consequently, i'm tired.
too many dreams to keep my thinkning.
i'd like to rest at least once in a blue moon.
i've actually never seen a blue moon.
but a harvest moon is another story.

believe.

oh, and apperently i have a stalker.
i just got some random texts from a number that i don't know.
yay!
guess the stalker phone tag is my favorite game.
i heard that it was edit's favorite game, but then she got kidnapped.
should i stop?
tell me blog gods.

i steer clear of the booze anyway.

I had the weirdest dream last night.
I was running around a store with 3 beers in my hand.
I don't think I was drunk, but I sure had been drinking.
I went into the bathroom in this store and my friend edit was in there.

It felt so real.
Like a false sense of reality.
I just wanted to wake up really bad.
But I didn't...the dream continued.

Then all of a sudden I was in target,
but it wasn't the store I had been in before.
And it was the target in New Orleans.
I was with Eddy and Simon.
Then there was more liquor.
And then the dream sort of lost me and I eventually woke up.
Feeling worse than I had the night before, might I add.

I always have really weird dreams when I'm sick.
straight up.

"Wednesday, September 19, 2007

the gotcha girls hide wings under their shirts, but the handsome devils have a harder time hiding their peacock feathers
if you want to know the absolute truth:
i am scared to death i am going to die in my sleep.

ive been up for god knows. in the phillipines have no concept of time other than sun and stars.
posted by xo at 10:12 AM"


my friend, if only you knew...

lets dance.

The Justice song really wows me.
Like it reminds me of the times before I was alive.
70s/80s
The video blows my mind.
Like how the simpliest concept can be so jaw-dropping.
I could never come up with a concept like that.
I would completely over do it.
oh well.
I guess I never have to worry about that, anyway.

livejournal is the new scene kid myspace

Unless I'm wrong.
Then its just me.
Orange, yellow, and brown is the new pink, purple, and easter.
Fall breeze is the new beach sleeze.
and I am just waiting for my turn to be the new "it" slit-my-wrists girl.

good intentions slowly turn to biterness

I have yet to go insane.
It's really quite amazing.
Yesterday was wonderful.
Got to go into New Orleans with one of my favorite people.
Just relaxed and enjoyed the time.
It was nice.
Sort of snapped me back into reality.
My phone and my camera are both broken.
I think I'm going to be sick.
One of the worst feelings ever.
I could live without my phone, but not my camera.
Much less both.
The new Fall Out Boy video is amazing.
It really captures those mens' hearts.
Proves they are really about the scars and stories.
Not such an eventful day ahead of me,
but I should go.

i loved you anyway.

the compassion that i clung on to for so long is gone now.
and my heart that i wore on my sleeve has been put back in place.
the confessions that i made to you were nothing but selfish,
and i'm glad you have gone away.

my aching heart is now healed.
my mind's no longer wanting.
now my somber head is lifted off you chest of hate.

love.

memphis...there and back

whuudafuxup?










moore dick




i believe in fairies, unicorns, dragons, etc.




little house on the prairie








i'm still dizzy


we almost hit him




bible


belt


nevermind

this is why i love promoting.

Here are a few photos from 3 of the concerts I have promoted at. I didn't take all these pictures. My sister took some and so did my friend Joanna.

These were from a Cobra Starship concert (probably the most enthusiastic people).
These girls were fun.


So was this guy...haha.


Gym Class Heroes concert.


People only smile for free posters.


This was at a Powerspace show.


I had more posters that I've ever had. It was crazy.


-sarah